A Daily Practice...

This morning when I stepped onto my mat to begin my yoga practice, I started out okay. The opening pranayama went well and so did ardha-chandrasana with pada-hastasana, but then, during my first set of utkatasana, I suddenly felt very, very tired. Not sleepy tired, but physical exhaustion. Once my mind registered what my body was whispering, I was overcome with a sense of panic; how was I supposed to make it through the next eighty-two minutes? I was so tired. Deep down in my bones tired. My body needed a break and hard core yoga in one hundred five degrees is not what most would consider a break. I wanted to grab my mat and run for the door. Or maybe just lie in savasana until class was over, hoping no one would notice. I wanted to cry. In fact, I almost did. But something propelled me onward and I did finish the practice, even if it was the most excruciating ninety minutes I have ever spent on my mat.

After trying to let these tired thoughts go, I knew I had to keep going. Even if my working edge was not in the depths that I usually find it, it was there somewhere and I was just going to have to go easy on myself. But it's hard when you realize that you might need to take a break, that you are not Superwoman, really! Staying focused on my breath was difficult and my concentration was fuzzy so my balance was all thrown off and I could not hold my poses. I felt awful. Like I was the biggest poser... who was I trying to kid? Obviously, I cannot maintain a daily practice, I mean, look at me! I have been practicing every single day for weeks on end and I had only gotten worse.

And since I have been practicing daily for so long, shouldn't that make me different than the others in my classes who don't? Shouldn't I be stronger, more disciplined, always practicing in tip top form? Ohhh... Big Sigh! Ego interference... That was today's lesson. No matter how often or how many times I step onto my mat, I will always be in MY body wherever my body is at at that point in time. I will always have my breath and my breath only to lead me. I am never going to achieve perfection... if so, what would be the point of practicing? And my practice is not about anyone else's... it isn't about anyone else's breath or form or concentration or ability... so there is absolutely no need for me to go there. No one is watching me and judging me based on how hard I push myself or how well I maintain my form. In fact, all anyone else is doing in that room is their own practice... and bless them if they ever feel like I did today.